Our Deepest Fear...
is not that we are inadequate,
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?"
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some of us,
it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.


- Marianne Williamson -

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Homecoming Dance

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Graduate School

During the first class of graduate school I found myself thinking, "oh, I can't wait to share this or that with Steve....oh, that's right Steve isn't here anymore..." Pushing the thoughts away while in class and on the way home was fairly easy. Quieting down for the night is when the emotions really hit. I have my loving family here to support me...I have Bill who has been so sweet and helpful and always encouraging...but I miss Steve so very much. I imagine myself with a foot in one canoe...the Steve canoe and my other foot is in the Bill canoe. The balancing act is more than I think I can cope with at times. Bill is very understanding...I assume he feels the same at times. We have each lost the loves of our lives...now we are here together and it is amazing...but so bitter sweet...we had to lose to be together...it just doesn't make sense...

Start of another school year

Here it is again...the second without Steve. It seems so peculiar to be starting a school year without him here. The start of school was our "New Year." It was our focus. Our signal that something NEW was happening. All the great expectations of starting over....meeting new people (students)... new schedules... new classes...

The past few months have been a time of adjustment for us...all of us.

Kaylyn started in a new direction in school. She is using her talent in art to become a designer...She seems excited and is applying herself in ways I haven't seen her do in a long long time. Even though there have been big bumps in the road with room mates and the such...she continues to move forward and grow.

Ben has traveled and ventured out in ways that has challenged him. He has had to do some thinking and growing. I am so proud of him. He is a fine young man with so much potential. He thinks he wants to be a music teacher. I can see that in him.

Gen has been processing the fact that her dad is not here full time the past 5 months. Not that she wasn't doing it before...but during this time I could see it on the outside of her.... It is such a helpless feeling to know there is no way to remove the suffering your child is going through. All there was to do was to hold her and reassure her that her daddy loves her...we all love her and that things were going to be okay. She has started to trust that others will be here for her. In the past few days I have seen a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eyes that hasn't been there in awhile.

For me the new year has started with a rush...not enough time to get everything done...scrambling to do what I can...letting go of the things that I can not. Graduate school starts on Wed. I am looking forward to that, yet nervous about how it adds more demands on my already tight schedule. I am very thankful for the people who continue to be supportive. Sad at the friends that no longer seem to be able to be in our lives...Boy what a difference a year makes. I, too have pulled back from social situations. The tone and direction don't feel right. My focus...and feelings are headed in a different direction.

Jordan Pond & Bar Harbor

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Gen's Birthday in Maine

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Summer?

The weather has turned hot. The "house" project list is getting longer and longer. I have made some headway on it though. Tim will be building a new cellar door, fixing the hole in the driveway as well as working on two other small projects. Breaking things down and going in small forward steps is my goal. I have moved all the boxes out from under Steve's desk. Now the big question, "what do I do with the stuff that is in the boxes?" A BIGGIE Steve's baseball card collection; encompassing at least three boxes full of cards. And those were under Steve's desk...there are more up in our bedroom closet. Another biggie: Steve's books. I guess I'll have to get a hold of Steve A. and get the number of the book seller. I opened the closet where Steve's shirts are hanging, absorbed the reality that I'm going to have to do something with them...soon...closed the closet and walked away with a heavy feeling in my heart.

Spring Time

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Genevieve's First Tennis Lesson

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Two Steps Back

Moving ahead...then two steps back. Back to feeling unworthy of love. Inadequate as a parent and provider. Nothing is under control. Everything is overwhelming. Why would anyone want to be with me? I have nothing to offer. I am just a grieving person to take pity on......................................................

Ups and Downs

Gee, I hate my moods. One minute I am up and everything is great and wonderful, then one little thing; a song, a smell, a thought, a task, or a comment, can have me crashing down. There are so many things in my life to be thankful for. My kids. My family. My friends. My job and the people I work with. I have a house to live in, food to eat and feed my children. Cars that run. People who love me. But then there are the things that are missing, that I can't do anything about. Steve is gone. My partner is gone. The person who knew me better than anyone. Accepted me, loved me. Shared my history. Getting to know Bill is wonderful, but it is such hard work. Trusting God that this person is here with me now and for a reason. To let it be and not get too worked up about it. I'm so tired. I need to feel the arms of God holding me, telling me everything will be alright.

Mother's Day

Here it is Mother's Day. and I feel down. We went to church, Gen and I. Ben stayed home...in bed. Kaylyn was on her way to Starved Rock to work. and I feel down. The children's choir sang a nice song. We bid Pastor Chuck farewell. and I feel down. Ben, Gen, Bill, Daniel, and I went to Starved Rock for a lovely brunch. Kaylyn waited on us. and I still feel down. Came home, opened my cards from the kids and Bill...and I cried myself to sleep. Kaylyn called and woke me up...she had a great day. and I still feel down. I am sooooo tired of feeling down. I don't have the fog of depression...I am very sad about life right now. I don't know what my hopes and drams are. I don't know what direction I'm going in. Auto pilot is off...now I don't know what I'm doing and it's scaring me.

Is this my life?

This afternoon and evening was one of those time when my life doesn't seem like mine. Who am I? What am I doing here? Why isn't Steve here? I didn't ask for this...I don't want this life. I want my old life back...but do I? I can't make another decision by myself. I can't raise these kids by myself. God, I feel so very lost right now. Not loved, so alone. There are people all around me. Caring, wonderful people. My heart is just so cracked and open and aching and bleeding. The utility bill came today...I try to get ahead, but it seems like everything just keeps chipping away at what little strength...what little reserve I have. Tonight is a night I will cry myself to sleep. The empty spot beside me a cavern without end. These times don't come too often...but they still come and stay awhile, just a little while...so that I don't get too comfortable I suppose.

Winding Down and Burning Out

The days are warmer...the sun is shinning longer into the evening...our focus is shifting. School is not where any of our minds are. Gen is loving playing outside with her friends. She has taught herself how to ride her bike and she is riding with such confidence. It is hard to get her in to eat supper, bathe and get to bed.

Ben has lost his focus, again. He lost it in March with all the emotional processing that goes along with the anniversary of Steve's death. Now with the suicide of a classmate and just plain "checking out" of his course work he is back to "D" grades. Oh! how frustrating it is to see my intelligent son do this to himself.

As for me, there are so many other things that I would rather be doing...yet I can't seem to get focused and organized to do any of them. Last year at this time I was in a fog and was giving myself the room to just be. This year, I want to get things done, but I'm finding it very hard to get motivated. No excuses this year...GOTTA get things done. I don't have anyone else to blame it on if it doesn't get done.

We have less than 20 days of school left for this year. It will go by quickly. Then how do we slow down the lovely days of summer?????

Genevieve's Dance Recital Spring 2009

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Choices

In the beginning happiness seemed impossible. Everything was gray, fuzzy and
painful...slowly the world around me has taken on new color and I have found
joy again. Life is tainted with the death of my husband, it always will be. I
am becoming a new person, building a different life, doing things I never
thought I would have to do (and enjoying some of them.) Creating a life after
a loved one dies is a process...not an event. We have bad days...sometimes
they seem to go on forever....then we start having some better days and it all
builds into more and more better days. We make choices about how we are going
to react to the world around us. Yes, sometimes we have to make the choice to
be happy not sad...find joy instead of despair, be with others not be
alone...make changes not be stagnant. When the time is right, we make these
choices. I too have friends that have had loved ones die and they seem to be
attached to their grief. I see them and know I don't want to live my life that
way. For everything there is a season.....we grieve...we feel the pain...we
find value in living again...we feel joy...it all will happen as long as we
allow ourselves to feel the feelings that come and then let them go.

On March 18 it marked a year from the time Steve took his last breath. Now I'm
into the second year and I am finding this a new path to journey down. I am no
longer the newly widowed...but I am still missing my husband and the life we
had and the plans and dreams of the future. But I can see hope and
possibilities...I am making choices...

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Opera

Tomorrow night Kaylyn and I will attend the last opera of the season. It's hard to believe Jane and Michael were going in our place last year. Steve had died. We were waiting on plans to get finalized, family members to arrive. I had to have Barbara tell them to go and not tell me anything about it unless I asked. I still haven't asked. Probably never will.

This has been a long week. A lot of self-doubt, second guessing myself...not listening to my gut instinct...that internal voice. I'm coming back around to listen to it now (thanks Bill!) I'm going to have to sit with the negative feelings for a while so I can let them go and move on. Pushing those feelings away (my response)this week and trying to focus on the the intent of a message has not served me well this week. It has actually made me more confused and doubting myself. Hopefully I'll learn not to fall into the same pot hole again and again. Soon I'll learn to walk around it.

Picking up the pieces

It's been a year. Wow...no magic healing...we still miss him, we still mourn him, we still talk about him, we still build a new day without him...and it is all okay. Are we happy all the time? NO! Do we have more good times than sad times? YES!!!

Gen and I went to see the high school play Saturday. When we were walking back to our car Gen asked me if when she is in high school will I come to see her if she is in the school play. I said "of course!" She was quiet for a moment and then asked..."but what if you are dead?" Oh, my little angel. The hardest part of this journey has been seeing my children deal with the uncertainty of life...once the sanctity of life has been breached. I assured her that I had no plans of dieing...but her daddy didn't have any plans of dieing either. I can't promise her that nothing will happen to me...but I can promise her that she will be well taken care of if something does happen to me. And that she is LOVED and CARED for and provided a SAFE PLACE to process and feel her emotions. That's what I can do...as little as it seems at times.

One Year Ago

One year ago today...he was gone. His body was there, the machines kept his lungs breathing, his blood pumping, but he was gone. He died in the wee hours of the morning. Barbara and I were there. The monitors told us. But the machines kept him breathing, heart kept pumping. At least some good could come from the unthinkable...Steve dieing. We waited at the hospital while the organ transplant team did their work. What can they use, what will go where. Everyone was so patient with me...I couldn't leave with him still lying there, waiting for his next purpose in life...in death. Time kept getting pushed back and we ended up at the hospital a day longer. Even though we were all so terribly exhausted...we were able to spend time in saying good bye...to Steve's physical presence. His spirit had already soared to greater heights.

Remembering Steve

Yesterday we had a wonderful gathering partly to remember Steve and most importantly, for me, to show my appreciation to all the wonderful people who have been with us this past year. Over 50 people came. It was quite amazing for me to see the number of people who have entered our lives since Steve died. I remember when dad died and how many people disappeared from our lives. I personally thought it was because Tom had entered our lives and people didn't like him. But I have come to surmise that it is more because people are so uncomfortable with death and grief...they (the people) run the other way because they don't want to have anything so horrible close to them. Yes, being with a grieving person takes extra care. They might cry or want to talk about the person that died. Heaven forbid anyone show vulnerable emotions. I managed to make it through the time without tears. It was nice to see people...but it wasn't until I got home...the house was quiet, a glass of wine and Pachelbel's Canon playing on the CD player. Then the hole opened up, the emptiness engulfed me and the pain took over. I cried and cried. Bill was so patient and kind talking me through it. The pain must be felt...there is no one and nothing that can take it away. It's like a miserable bear hunt...I can't go around it, can't go over it, can't go under it...I MUST Go Through It. And through it I will...with the help of my friends. Thank you, all you friends out there...without you, going through it would be unimaginable.

Held

Two months is too little

They let him go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence

Would take a child from his mother

While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

We're asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour

Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

Steve was not my child...he was my husband, yet he was my life. I miss him. I miss our life. The pain is real and thank God I have some amazing family and friends who support me unfailingly. This is how God is holding us...sending us friends who are there through it all.

Getting Closer

How do you forgive someone for dying? It's not like he had a choice. Dying was not what he wanted. He always promised that he would be here...forever. We loved each other...we worked hard to get to a place in our relationship where we moved together in a rhythm all our own. It worked...so I thought. Why did it have to vanish? Why did my nice comfortable life have to end? My heart aches...there is this ball in my chest...it's like a tangled up ball of yarn. I try to put it apart and untangle it bit by bit. Will it ever get untangled? It will be a week less than a year ago tomorrow that Steve had his stroke. This past year has been a very long ride on this roller coaster of life. Perhaps it's been a tilt-a-whirl rather than a roller coaster. The ride continues....

Empty

It snowed again. I am ready for Spring. The days keep coming and going. There are moments I'm feeling strong and ready to tackle the world. Then there are the moments I feel so defeated. I just want someone to hold me, protect me, believe in me, and to love me.

Friday the 13th

Eleven months ago today Steve had his stoke. It's been a crazy week...my mind and emotions have been going all over the place. Looking back, where were we a year ago? We knew Steve was not feeling well. Were the spells more...there were no answers. It was just like any other Valentine's Day...not much. An "I love you" exchanged. Who would have dreamt it would be the last. Did he even give me a card. I don't think I gave him a card. I think there was an email.... How would I do things differently now? Would I be as tired as I am? Would I have this kind of blank feeling...not really an empty feeling, just blank, can't remember, staying in the moment, not rushing it, just being here where I need to be, feeling what I'm feeling and allowing that to be Okay! Not labeling, just letting it be.

A New President

Wow! what a historic day and Steve wasn't here to witness it. I made sure the kids in my class watched the swearing in of our 44th president. We listened to the speech, but much was not registering with an audience of seven and eight year olds. Today was also Jane's birthday and Gen's half birthday. Our morning and afternoon help is changing. Transitions everywhere, and I feel as if I'm trying to keep the tide back with a wall of sand...it's not working and I don't feel prepared to deal with anything. Running away isn't an option....but it sounds good right now. Sleeping through it was what I would have done in the past, but now sleep doesn't come that easily. I'm trying to focus on the support from friends and what a blessing everyone is. I have to keep going forward...turning back is not an option.

Too Cold to Go to School

The temps have dipped low again and it's too cold to go to school. We are in the middle of six day weekend. It's been a nice mini vacation. It's been nice spending the time here at the house with the kids. We haven't done much...just relaxed. Daniel came over for a day and we had a really nice time...and he actually wanted to come back. Baby steps there! It's amazing how things come full circle for me...I am having flash backs to when Tom came into my mom's life after dad died. I was not happy and didn't accept him...or his kids. I remember his kids sitting on the couch saying nasty things about mom.... Also, grandma's relationship with Roy comes flooding to the forefront of my mind. I hope with these experiences, memories, and lessons I can keep from repeating the negative things that I have seen and been a part of.

Snow, Snow and More Snow

It seems as if it has snowed every day for the past week and a half. My saving grace is that we have had periods of blue sky intermittent with the snow showers. It is sooooo beautiful to gaze upon the white fields and the blue sky. There is such peace and the sound...or lack of...is amazing. The temperatures have been bitter cold...not like what is predicted for the next couple of days...high of -5 with wind chills of -30. Now that is COLD!!!!

Getting back in the swing of school and lessons and meetings (regular life!) has gone relatively smoothly. It still takes my breath away when every scheduled item is a go and nothing has been canceled. We do better when we are busy...but a little flexible time would be nice...I think. Gen is back to going to sleep in her own room. She has actually slept all the way through the night 4 times now since the beginning of the new year! Sleep comes and goes for me...depends on what my brain seems to need to work on and the time it decides to get to work...It has a mind of it's own (pun intended!)

Both Wethersfield and Princeton school districts declared a snow day. Too bad, going back to bed was not an option for me. Gen woke up with an earache in the middle of the night...so off to Spring Valley and Dr. Bob in the middle of the snow coming down. The drive went smoothly and Daniel went with us. Not sure what went through Dr. Bob's mind as he was checking both Genevieve and Daniel's ears. The comment was made about weird twists of fate. As he looked down at the desk and ever so gently looked back up at me and nodded. I can tell that he, too, has been touched by the deaths of two very special people.

Jane, my mother-in-law sent an email indicating that she would like to come for a visit. I fear I hurt her feelings in my lack of response to her. I want her to come and spend time with us, be with the kids and me. It's been such a long time and so much has changed...Steve was always here when she/they would come to visit...another thing to do without him.

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A New Year

Here it is the first day of a new year. What is there to say? This past year has been so incredibly unbelievable. A year ago (January 2, 2008) we went to the neurologist and he confirmed all the tests that Steve had undergone showed nothing...there was no explanation for his "spells." There wasn't anything to do, but keep his blood pressure under control and he would see Steve again in July. We all know what happened...the surreal feelings that come with a loved one dieing...the questions that come and go...the if only, would have, should have... But it all doesn't change the fact that he is gone and we miss him and his love and spirit lives on in all of us who knew him and loved him. Genevieve reminds me constantly that his love is and will always be growing with us...That thought is what helps get me through the tough times. As hard as all of this has been...I see good things in the kids...the resiliency they exhibit, the love and caring they show...the tears that come and cleanse. We have pulled together. We have built friendships with others that weren't in our lives before. We have reached out to accept help and support. The love and kindness that are present in our lives is remarkable and a blessing. Through our loss we have been blessed with so many good people...the new friends, the friends that have stayed and yet some other friends have disappeared. It is easy sometimes to just focus on the loss and the emptiness...we have reached a good balance (I think!) We will continue to miss Steve and focus on the good things that are happening. As they say...Life goes on.