Exposure!

Here it is Sunday again and I'm feeling a little more exposed. My wonderful elves were at it again today. More trees/shrubs have been cut down exposing more of the house and dare I say it...more of me. It's so amazing the symbolic nature of things. All of the change feels good...yet it is a change and therefore emotional reactions come with the territory.

Moving in the right direction...

Things are looking up! Sunday afternoon I came home to the shock of finding all the front shrubs cut down exposing all the pealing paint on our dilapidated front porch. I have worked through (continue to work through) the symbolic meaning of the exposure. The paint has now been scrapped. Paint has been applied. It's looking so much more cared for...loved and nurtured.

The hardwood floors are ordered and will be installed the first week of October. The kitchen is looking great with the new paint. I'm getting excited for everything to be done and put into place. I'm ready for a calm relaxing home.

I have my id and pin number for graduate school. I'll get registered tomorrow.

Things are going in the right directions...in more ways than one. It feels GOOD!

One step forward...

Just when I think things are going well, then all the self-doubt and fear creeps back in. All the questions came flooding back today...Why do I deserve a good life? Why should someone love me? Do I even deserve to be loved? My focus should be directed toward my being so blessed with caring friends. Loving children and a family that supports me...

Finally Friday

This week had been one of the longest weeks I have experienced in quite some time. It’s been a good week…just really long.

Thursday was the 6th month mark of Steve’s death. In some ways it seems like yesterday we were at the hospital waiting for the organ donation…and in other ways it seems like he has been gone for ever. I miss him and would love to talk with him….but that just isn’t possible. I feel guilty sometimes when I don’t feel bad or sad or mad that he’s not here with me. I know in my heart he is in heaven. I know he is in a better place. If he had survived the stroke, what would our lives be like? Is that the kind of life he would want? I remember praying for him to get through it, make it another day. Then it started to sink in…how our lives would change if he did survive. It wouldn’t be the life we had. He wouldn’t be the dad our kids had. Life is going on. I am going on. Not full steam ahead without thought to anything. Just moving forward to make my life what I want it to be, the best way that I can. Rediscovering who I am and liking who I am and liking my life. Perhaps this comes across as being selfish...I'm sorry if it does.

Movin' On

I'm afraid to say the things that are going on in my mind. I'm so confused...maybe it's the wine! The wine is breaking down some of the walls...the defences that keep the pain away. I know I need to feel the pain and anger. Why did he do the things that he did? Why do I have to deal with it when he's not here?

The Saturday from?

The rain kept coming down yesterday, in more ways than one. John and Shar came over and wee working on the kitchen. John tried to stand on the counter to get to one part of the ceiling and the entire counter top and John went crashing to the floor! Thank God John was not hurt and the counter top will be able to be refastened.

The Homestead Festival parade was canceled due to the rain. Ben was psyched, Gen was not, but neither were sad for too long.

Just when I was ready to take a nap...encouraged by Bill I might add...we discovered water in the basement. All of Steve's video tapes he used in his classes were soaked as well as some of Kaylyn's old text books and various boxes of stuff I packed up from Steve's office. We moved stuff to "higher ground" and moved water toward the drain with big brooms and a squeegee. It seems like the rain is never going to stop. Perhaps starting to build an ark would be a good plan of action!

Gen and I, along with Becky, Tony, Michael, Donovan, Jill, Adina and Madison went to the High School Musical play. The cast did a great job and we really enjoyed ourselves. After the play Ben watched Daniel and Gen so that Bill and I could go out with Becky and Tony. Fitzgerald's was packed and loud, but we had a great time. We closed the place down! I can't tell you when the last time was that I did that. Bill and I are finding out more about each other and it seems like with the baby steps we have each promised we would take, we may just be "going somewhere!Thanks Becky ;) for butting in and forging forward!!! The time Bill and I spend together feels good yet there are elements of uncertainty due to the grief we are still going through with Kim and Steve's deaths.

Friday!

I thought Friday wasn't going to ever get here. This has been one crazy week. So much feels up in the air. My house, my teaching, my life!!! Some things have made me smile and feel good about how things are going...and on the flip side, other things felt fragmented, chaotic and out of control.

My counselor brought up the "lost me." During my marriage I seemed to have given up some of who I am in order to make the marriage work. I don't know who I am anymore. I know part of this is normal with the grief, but it reaches so much further down. My goal through this is to find out who I am...once again.

We started in on lessons this week. More running around. Gen had to chose between Brownies and violin lessons. Brownies won out. Thank heavens for more moms willing to help me out.

Now the weekend is here and I can relax a little. It's homestead weekend which means a lot of running around. At least I'll be with some great people and have a good time. Both Ben and Gen will be in the parade. It will be bitter sweet without Steve there watching the whole thing.

Sunday Night

and I'm not ready for the week. Ben was saying he wasn't ready to go back to school and I have to agree with him. It seems like it takes me twice as long to get anything done. Maybe it's just that I'm so scattered mentally that I can't focus physically. Steve's mom called. They are back in the city. She sounded well. I'm so glad she called. I fear I have done such harm to our relationship. It will take time to mend. I gave her the dates for the holiday dance recital and the youth symphony concert. It would be nice if they could come and share those events. Thanksgiving is the Thursday after...maybe they could stay.

Seattle Rain!

Today it rained and rained. Not the heavens opening up down pour we usually get here in the Midwest, but a Seattle steady rain. It made me feel comforted in the steadiness of it. It made me feel like I was back home. I spent time with Gen watching Titanic. Ben, Gen and I went and had dinner with Becky, Tony, Michael, Bill and Daniel. It was nice talking and being with friends.

I made more connections tonight in counseling. I was talking about how taking care of my house, improving: painting, replacing the flooring, etc... is symbolic to what I (we) should have done with my marriage before Steve died. We didn't focus on US! Our attention was on so many other things and not the two of us. Yes, we had our opera weekends. We should have been focusing on our home/us!!!

A Bad Day!

I started off feeling very frustrated that I woke up at 4 in the morning...AGAIN! Frustration grew as I discovered my attempts at scheduling were thwarted because I forgot that Brownie/Girl Scouts (which Gen realllllllly wants to do) and violin/trumpet lessons are at the same time on the same night. My neighbor is doing so much for me by getting Gen fed and hair combed and ready for school in the morning and driving both Ben and Gen to school. I couldn't do this without her. And I am so thankful for all she does yet so overwhelmed with not being able to do this all on my own. I started crying when I was on the phone with her this morning. The ball of anxiety was sitting heavy in my stomach. I saw a rainbow off in the distance as our carpool sat waiting for road construction. Was it a "hang in there" from Steve? I would like to think it was, but I feel so alone and lonely...even with my good friends. (thanks Becky & Shar). I just hunger for some strong arms to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right! God! I'm trying to be strong, I'm just so lousy at it. I gotta keep going...keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thanks for listening...it helps.