Christmas 2008

Christmas in California...with family! I knew the holiday would be very different...duh!!!! I knew I would have that feeling of wanting to be somewhere else...just not knowing where...and I did. We cried...we laughed...we saw new things, did different things. It was good...in a weird sort of way. Other than getting ornaments in memory of Steve, I didn't do anything "meaningful" to mark the day. I'm actually feeling quite numb right now...disbelief that he is gone has crept back in...the rock is back in the pit of my stomach and the tears brim my eyes.

Christmas is over...

Ben, Genevieve and I are back home. We spent Christmas in California with my Aunt Diane, her husband Steve, my sister and her family. Kaylyn went with us, but she came back on Saturday. We had a good time for the most part. Reflections will come later. The sharp stabbing pains of missing Steve were present at times. There were numerous times I just wanted to be in my own home...with my own things...and my own agenda. I know everyone cares and they wanted to make it a "good time" for us...and they did. Just, sometimes you have to feel the feelings.

Nine Months

Steve has been gone 9 months. Where has the time gone? How have we made it this far? We are still standing. We haven't just crumbled. Oh, there have been times when I didn't think I would make it one more minute...the weight of the responsibility was dragging me under...but we/I are/am still standing. God and the amazing friends who have come into my life (Bill, Becky, Shar, John, Tony, my co-workers, and so many more)...Thank you for your strength, support, and encouragement. We wouldn't be doing as well as we are without you!

Time Marches On...

Here it is December 15. In three more days it will be nine months since Steve died. Reflecting on this...it seems like just yesterday and then again like years have passed. My stress has changed. My life has changed. I miss some things, I don't miss others. There are days when I like where my life is headed. I like the people who are around me. I like the things I am doing. Then there are days when nothing seems to be going right and I can't remember things and every step seems to take all the energy out of me. At least those bad days don't seem to be more than the good days. They don't pile up like they use to.

Christmas is hard. We did get the tree put up. We ordered special ornaments in memory of Steve. I'm not really in the mood to buy presents and get things mailed. I really wasn't very good about that before...I'm just less inspired now. I don't want to buy for buying sake. At least the kids will be taken care of and we'll be in California...and I'll want to be somewhere else...I just won't know where that place is...at least I'll be with family.

Crying More...

The tears are coming easier now...it doesn't take much. A snow covered driveway. Un-shoveled sidewalks. A song on the radio. Another place to go...without him. Another event for the kids...without him. Another drive home without a call from him. Another night...without him. My new reality!

Moving Along...

Here we are just a few short weeks 'til Christmas. My mood is taking a dip...as I suppose should be expected. Thanksgiving was a lot harder than I anticipated...I miss Steve. I miss US! I miss my family including Steve. Each new thing I encounter seems like a mountain to scale. I don't like the constant drain I feel. The weather's cold and little things seem so big. Steve never really "took care" of me...I guess I would say we shouldered things together. I wasn't appreciative of that ...I complained. Why did I complain? All those life things/couple things seems so trivial now. I can't go back...I have to go forward...I have to go through it...just like on a bear hunt.

Thanksgiving 2008

Well, we survived another first...Thanksgiving! The few days leading up to the holiday were worse (at least for me) than the actual day. We decided to do something a different this year. Kaylyn made three trips home the week before (doctors appointment, dance recital, and IVYS concert.) It was time Ben, Gen, and I got in the car and made the trip to spend time with her. We went to Ruby Tuesdays and had a really nice dinner. We laughed and had moments of reflection...it was good to be together.

Make a Smilebox postcard

IVYS Fall Concert

Ben had a very busy day. He played with the high school's Mad Brass during the Princeton Holiday Walk...we literally nabbed him off the street to rush him to LaSalle Peru High for the Youth Symphony concert. We made it with plenty of time. It was Bill and Daniels first experience with a youth symphony concert. Daniel did really well! We enjoyed a nice dinner afterward at the Uptown. We felt Steve's absence.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Holiday Dance Recital 2008

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Becky, Tony, Lynn, Greg, Bill and I had a wonderful time at the Second Annual Leinenkkugel Night. We enjoyed some delicious food and brought home some cool Leini stuff.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Make a Smilebox postcard

Wisconsin Dells

The weekend after what would have been Steve's 50th birthday, election day, and two late nights of parent/teacher conferences, the kids and I took off and went to Wisconsin Dells. It was good for us to spend time together and have a little fun.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Election Day Birthday

Today Steve would have turned 50 years old. He was so excited about this election. I don't think he was as excited that he was turning 50! We'll see how the returns come in, but I have a good feeling about tonight. Steve would have been proud.

Friends and loved ones have been ever near to support us as we wade through the days emotions. Kaylyn had so many wonderful things planned for this half century mark for Steve. Pictures hanging all around IVCC to start with. She left a wonderful voice-mail about black streamers and balloons with RIP not being terribly appropriate when the birthday boy is already dead. This doesn't come across in translation...you have to know her sense of humor and how we all needed a release at the given moment.

Here's to you Steve, where ever you may be. We miss you and love you dearly.

Halloween!

Gen and I had a wonderful time Trick-Or-Treating with friends: Sierra, Daniel, Michael, and Austin. The boys were a page out of Star Wars. Sierra the cheerleader and Gen the witch were along for the ride. Gen was trying to figure out how to be Princess Leia without doing the cinnamon bun hair!

An Overwhelming Life

Work on the house has come to a standstill. The big push was made to get things ready for the Pampered Chef party and then BUNCO the next night. There is a long list of things that still need to be completed...overhead lights in the kitchen and dining room and trim are the two that stand out that I am dependent on others to do. I need to get the garage cleared out so I can get the cars back in before the really bad weather hits. The downstairs furnace has been repaired and I still have a toilet upstairs that needs to be worked on...does it ever stop?

My calendar seems to be on overdrive and I'm shutting down. There are small miracles, thus cancellations, that occur to make things more manageable, yet I'm finding the continued internal stress wearing on me. Something has to give...I have to take care of myself and I'm not sure what I can eliminate. Graduate school seems to be the obvious answer...but is that giving up on the potential "me" and more financial security for my family? Why am I looking at graduate school as being the obvious answer? There's a question for several sessions with my counselor!

The tears are flowing today...a good thing! Gen is in Indiana with friends. Ben is upstairs sleeping...still (it's 11:16.) Kaylyn is at work and has plans for tonight to go to a concert with friends. Part of me just want to get lost...but the sad thing is I don't know where I am, so the question would be...am I not already lost?

Almost Done

Because someone won't come over and see for herself what the house looks like...here's the pictures.

Decontruction

So, here it is Sunday night at 8:44 and my house is torn apart. The fridge is in the office. The stove is on the screened porch. The bathroom sink and soon the toilet will be on the patio. It's been a looooong day. John has worked hard. Ben discovered a new toy! He likes to remove the carpet tack with the crow bar. I can't wait to see the new floors! I'm ready for my house to be put back together!!!! It's been a long time and I'm more than ready.

Exposure!

Here it is Sunday again and I'm feeling a little more exposed. My wonderful elves were at it again today. More trees/shrubs have been cut down exposing more of the house and dare I say it...more of me. It's so amazing the symbolic nature of things. All of the change feels good...yet it is a change and therefore emotional reactions come with the territory.

Moving in the right direction...

Things are looking up! Sunday afternoon I came home to the shock of finding all the front shrubs cut down exposing all the pealing paint on our dilapidated front porch. I have worked through (continue to work through) the symbolic meaning of the exposure. The paint has now been scrapped. Paint has been applied. It's looking so much more cared for...loved and nurtured.

The hardwood floors are ordered and will be installed the first week of October. The kitchen is looking great with the new paint. I'm getting excited for everything to be done and put into place. I'm ready for a calm relaxing home.

I have my id and pin number for graduate school. I'll get registered tomorrow.

Things are going in the right directions...in more ways than one. It feels GOOD!

One step forward...

Just when I think things are going well, then all the self-doubt and fear creeps back in. All the questions came flooding back today...Why do I deserve a good life? Why should someone love me? Do I even deserve to be loved? My focus should be directed toward my being so blessed with caring friends. Loving children and a family that supports me...

Finally Friday

This week had been one of the longest weeks I have experienced in quite some time. It’s been a good week…just really long.

Thursday was the 6th month mark of Steve’s death. In some ways it seems like yesterday we were at the hospital waiting for the organ donation…and in other ways it seems like he has been gone for ever. I miss him and would love to talk with him….but that just isn’t possible. I feel guilty sometimes when I don’t feel bad or sad or mad that he’s not here with me. I know in my heart he is in heaven. I know he is in a better place. If he had survived the stroke, what would our lives be like? Is that the kind of life he would want? I remember praying for him to get through it, make it another day. Then it started to sink in…how our lives would change if he did survive. It wouldn’t be the life we had. He wouldn’t be the dad our kids had. Life is going on. I am going on. Not full steam ahead without thought to anything. Just moving forward to make my life what I want it to be, the best way that I can. Rediscovering who I am and liking who I am and liking my life. Perhaps this comes across as being selfish...I'm sorry if it does.

Movin' On

I'm afraid to say the things that are going on in my mind. I'm so confused...maybe it's the wine! The wine is breaking down some of the walls...the defences that keep the pain away. I know I need to feel the pain and anger. Why did he do the things that he did? Why do I have to deal with it when he's not here?

The Saturday from?

The rain kept coming down yesterday, in more ways than one. John and Shar came over and wee working on the kitchen. John tried to stand on the counter to get to one part of the ceiling and the entire counter top and John went crashing to the floor! Thank God John was not hurt and the counter top will be able to be refastened.

The Homestead Festival parade was canceled due to the rain. Ben was psyched, Gen was not, but neither were sad for too long.

Just when I was ready to take a nap...encouraged by Bill I might add...we discovered water in the basement. All of Steve's video tapes he used in his classes were soaked as well as some of Kaylyn's old text books and various boxes of stuff I packed up from Steve's office. We moved stuff to "higher ground" and moved water toward the drain with big brooms and a squeegee. It seems like the rain is never going to stop. Perhaps starting to build an ark would be a good plan of action!

Gen and I, along with Becky, Tony, Michael, Donovan, Jill, Adina and Madison went to the High School Musical play. The cast did a great job and we really enjoyed ourselves. After the play Ben watched Daniel and Gen so that Bill and I could go out with Becky and Tony. Fitzgerald's was packed and loud, but we had a great time. We closed the place down! I can't tell you when the last time was that I did that. Bill and I are finding out more about each other and it seems like with the baby steps we have each promised we would take, we may just be "going somewhere!Thanks Becky ;) for butting in and forging forward!!! The time Bill and I spend together feels good yet there are elements of uncertainty due to the grief we are still going through with Kim and Steve's deaths.

Friday!

I thought Friday wasn't going to ever get here. This has been one crazy week. So much feels up in the air. My house, my teaching, my life!!! Some things have made me smile and feel good about how things are going...and on the flip side, other things felt fragmented, chaotic and out of control.

My counselor brought up the "lost me." During my marriage I seemed to have given up some of who I am in order to make the marriage work. I don't know who I am anymore. I know part of this is normal with the grief, but it reaches so much further down. My goal through this is to find out who I am...once again.

We started in on lessons this week. More running around. Gen had to chose between Brownies and violin lessons. Brownies won out. Thank heavens for more moms willing to help me out.

Now the weekend is here and I can relax a little. It's homestead weekend which means a lot of running around. At least I'll be with some great people and have a good time. Both Ben and Gen will be in the parade. It will be bitter sweet without Steve there watching the whole thing.

Sunday Night

and I'm not ready for the week. Ben was saying he wasn't ready to go back to school and I have to agree with him. It seems like it takes me twice as long to get anything done. Maybe it's just that I'm so scattered mentally that I can't focus physically. Steve's mom called. They are back in the city. She sounded well. I'm so glad she called. I fear I have done such harm to our relationship. It will take time to mend. I gave her the dates for the holiday dance recital and the youth symphony concert. It would be nice if they could come and share those events. Thanksgiving is the Thursday after...maybe they could stay.

Seattle Rain!

Today it rained and rained. Not the heavens opening up down pour we usually get here in the Midwest, but a Seattle steady rain. It made me feel comforted in the steadiness of it. It made me feel like I was back home. I spent time with Gen watching Titanic. Ben, Gen and I went and had dinner with Becky, Tony, Michael, Bill and Daniel. It was nice talking and being with friends.

I made more connections tonight in counseling. I was talking about how taking care of my house, improving: painting, replacing the flooring, etc... is symbolic to what I (we) should have done with my marriage before Steve died. We didn't focus on US! Our attention was on so many other things and not the two of us. Yes, we had our opera weekends. We should have been focusing on our home/us!!!

A Bad Day!

I started off feeling very frustrated that I woke up at 4 in the morning...AGAIN! Frustration grew as I discovered my attempts at scheduling were thwarted because I forgot that Brownie/Girl Scouts (which Gen realllllllly wants to do) and violin/trumpet lessons are at the same time on the same night. My neighbor is doing so much for me by getting Gen fed and hair combed and ready for school in the morning and driving both Ben and Gen to school. I couldn't do this without her. And I am so thankful for all she does yet so overwhelmed with not being able to do this all on my own. I started crying when I was on the phone with her this morning. The ball of anxiety was sitting heavy in my stomach. I saw a rainbow off in the distance as our carpool sat waiting for road construction. Was it a "hang in there" from Steve? I would like to think it was, but I feel so alone and lonely...even with my good friends. (thanks Becky & Shar). I just hunger for some strong arms to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right! God! I'm trying to be strong, I'm just so lousy at it. I gotta keep going...keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thanks for listening...it helps.

Another Week Done!

Another week is done at school. My kiddos are very noisy and have a real hard time with self-control. I feel more self-assured and able to deal with the misbehavior. I know things will get better when we start regular schedule.

Ben and Gen were able to get to school okay. I still haven't found a helper in the morning. My next door angel, Shar, has been so helpful. Even through Ben's meltdown and Gen getting my cold this week we managed to survive.

Last Friday Gen and I went to the Bureau County Fair with our friends. We had a wonderful time and Gen and I rode the Tilt-A-Whirl. Niether of us threw-up! Yea for us.

First Day

Here is a picture of my kids this year. What a group! We are going to have a lot of fun!!!

Today was the first day with my new 2nd graders. They all looked so small and innocent. Yep, I only had them for three hours...so how bad could they be in that time? There are a couple of characters, but for the most part it seems like a good group.

I'm feeling shaky as I go into the year. Steve's not here supporting me. I do have a great group of supporters though. It seemed like Steve had such confidence in me and my ability to touch the lives of my students...I'm just not as sure as I was with Steve here.

Day Before the First Day!

Tomorrow is the first day of the new school year for me. I'm no where near ready for the kids to arrive....but they will be there any way. I look forward to being distracted by the little kiddos, but at the same time worry about being able to be the best teacher I can be and the best parent and the best student...yep, I'm starting a graduate program. Crazy and it's my life.

Today is 5 months sense Steve died. I miss him so much. I miss his help. I miss his hugs and the security I felt in his arms. Will I ever feel secure, loved and unafraid? I took so much for granted. I wish I could go back and re-do the years we had together. Oh, how much I would do differently. I wouldn't be so angry and so tied up in the me and my needs. To be able to be in the moment and enjoy it for what it is. We get so preoccupied in all the other stuff that just clutters our lives. I'm trying to clean out the house to reduce more of the physical clutter so that I can reduce the emotional and mental clutter. It's working...so far.

Sunday, Gen and I went to Adina's church on Sunday. Becky was there to be my safe person and guide me through the unknown. Thanks, Becky! Gen enjoyed her time with Adina. We even went to the potluck picnic at the park. We enjoyed our time and fellowship. The people were wonderfully welcoming. Becky took a great photo of Gen and I. She takes the most amazing pictures.

I am blessed to have such wonderful new friends in my life. I know they never knew Steve, but they are willing to walk with me on this painful journey...thanks Jill, Becky, and Bill. I don't know where I would be without you!

One Down!

five more to go...at least down stairs. With the help of my friend, Char, redecorating is the word of the month. We got the front room painted and curtains picked out. It looks fabulous. Still need to get new furniture and a carpet and a ceiling fan. I'm sure the list won't end. I just need to stay in my budget.

My classroom is still being neglected. First in-service day is August 15. Next week is do or die week in that room.

Need to get moving!

Here it is August 4 and I don't have anything done in my classroom. It's very scary to think that I have 10 days to get my room put back together. I'm feeling very unmotivated/unable to get things thought through. I know how I did things last year. I really don't want to change things a whole lot given that I'm emotionally not all there. As the start of school gets closer, my panic will rise. I need to get my mind wrapped around the start of school.

Scenes from a morning walk in Southwest Harbor Maine.

Life Changed!

On March 13, 2008 Steve woke up and couldn't see. He was life flighted to Peoria's OSF St. Francis Medical Center were he was treated for a blockage in his brain stem. The morning of March 18 Steve died. Steve lives on in our hearts as well as in organ and tissue donation.