It is amazing when I stop long enough to reflect on the happenings of life. My life is so different than anything I ever thought it would be. I met some wonderful ladies for breakfast/coffee this morning. The conversation was free flowing and we laughed a lot. Prayer requests were spoken and then it was time to leave. Hugs and contentment. We talked about being alone. I can say I am okay with being alone now. Life now is better than I thought it would be in light of being without that "special someone" being fully involved. I do wonder if there will ever be another "special someone." I find myself repeating "For the Lord has plans for me." Yes, I do get lonely. Yet with this new found confidence this new someone will need to be really special.

The weather is cold...the quilt over my lap is warm and protective. I read and ponder what is now...what may be ahead. Another day drawing to a close.

Here it is April 18th already. Where is the time going? There is so much to do and yet not enough time to get everything done. I find myself bored with school. My heart doesn't seem to be in it. The kids are loving. They don't like to listen or follow directions. But their hugs are amazing. I don't know if there is anything to do to get my heads out of the clouds and back in the classroom? I am ready for summer break. MORE than ready! But that too will go by quickly and it will be back into the rush of activity that I am not sure I want to be there for.

Alone...and I'm okay with that. Never thought I would say that, but here I am. Sitting alone in the house. Slept here all alone last night without the least bit of worry or anxiety. A person recently said to me that they wanted to "make me feel better about myself." I found it ironic when I thought about it. For the first time in my life I feel good about myself. I am stronger than I ever have been. God is the love of my life and I am not dependent on someone to make me feel good about myself. My identity is found in Him alone...not a human. God loves me...He really loves ME! Imagine that. It took two men walking out of my life for me to know my heavenly Father loves me and will not abandon me. It's a good place to be tonight...a very good place.

Sunday Evening

I sit here with a quilt made of Steve's shirts laying over my legs; missing him terribly. Trying to write about how I have done my Christian study. Obviously reflecting on the last almost 4 years, given that my Christian study didn't start until after Steve died. Examining the past four years has brought me to a surreal place. I am thankful for the amazing people in my life. People have come and gone. People have come and stayed. People have just left. With all of the people are lessons and love, forgiveness and light.

I am thankful for the growth of our family and the growth of each individual over the past four years.
I look at Ben and see this amazing young man, finding himself, liking himself, enjoying life.
In Gen I see this fragile little butterfly. She is a beautiful young lady trying to understand a world and people...and really, is there really anything to understand in the end?
Kaylyn has even grown. She has found a passion that seems to motivate her.

I am thankful for a hole that has been filled with God's love and grace. A hole filled with God's truth that I am somebody in His eyes, that he will not leave me. He is always there for me, no matter how far I move from Him, He is always waiting patiently for me. An enormous hole that I never thought would have been filled...especially after the death of someone so very loved. The death of someone I put a lot of my identity in. Filled after friends close doors. Filled after a broken man walks out and walks on to "easier." I don't think It was me that was hard...he couldn't feel the emotions...he couldn't let go of the past...he could only go so deep. I still love him, yet I know God has this covered with his plans for me.

Speaker Debbie Griffith-"Woman at the Well" Monologue

Took the kids to see The Magic Flute at the Lyric Opera yesterday. Of course it snowed yesterday. Took us longer to get into the Chicago. We arrived at the ticket taker just as the bells were going off. We ran up all the flights of stairs to get to the UPPER Balcony, plopped into our seats just as the music started to play. WOW! That was a close call. We enjoyed the show. It was Gen's first with Lyric. We mushed through the snow to Lloyd's for dinner and then headed home. Took us 4.5 hours to get home. What a great memory of sharing the music with my children. I want more of that this coming year.

A new year is here. Dear sweet Gen was by my side as we watched the ball drop for a second time. The first time was with Jane and Michael at the hotel as we watched it drop at midnight in New York. What does the year have in store? Where will we find ourselves when the ball drops at midnight 2013? How many time will we laugh? How many times will we cry ourselves to sleep? Will love be found in the days to come? Will I find myself alone again on another New Years Eve? Where will we travel? What will we see? How many rainbows will we see? How many of our loved ones will no longer be with us on this planet as another year draws to a close? What new things will we find to challenge ourselves this year? How many pounds will be gained and lost during the next 12 months? How many words of encouragement will be given to friends and family? How many hugs will be exchanged? How many sweet moments will be shared with God? How many bottles of wine will be shared with friends? How many AAAHHHH moments will we find ourselves caught up in? How many times will we stop to feel the sun's warmth on our face? God knows. We will be thankful for the blessings as well as the trials.

The year is drawing to a close. Jane and Michael have arrived to end 2011 and ring in 2012 with us. It is bitter sweet to have them here. Steve should be here with them, for them. I feel lacking in anything I have to give them. I can't give them their son back...as much as I would give everything I have to give...I am just not able. No one is.

It's been a week since the Bill door has closed. Oh how many pieces my heart is in. There is no way to comprehend how many pieces. How can someone who says they care about me treat me in such a way? I thought he was different...caring...human. Prayer continues to be my focus. Trust God and his plan...don't rely on my own understanding. So many people have loved on me and supported me. I am so very blessed...and my deepening relationship with God is helping me greatly. I will march forth into 2012 with the mindset that God will do great things this year. 2011 wasn't bad...three graduations, horse show, half marathon...the personal drain that I have experienced has been the downside. But really...I ended my relationship with Bill...or should I say he ended it with me...but I have Amy, Lisa, Cindy, Jennifer, Gail and so many other wonderful woman in my life...My Sister's in God are here with me...arms locked in battle mode when we need it. Tammy is there to support. And I have support to offer these wonderful women. 2011 has been an awesome year. I can't loose sight of that. May God continue to bless my family and friends as the days tick down and we wind up for the new year.

I am wearing down. I keep reading my devotions and my Bible. I am trying to be positive. Saying prayers and trying to stay positive. Singing songs and focusing on His love for me. Trying to understand something that there isn't much understanding in it. I loved. It's over. I have to put my heart back together again and move on. Why? Why can't I just be loved and love another and move on? Why does it have to hurt? Why!?! Why!?! Why!?!

The days of 2011 are counting down. So many things have happened this past year.

My verse for 2011: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

January came with a "taking a step back" in a relationship I valued and invested my heart into deeply. In March we acknowledged Steve's 3rd Angel Anniversary. We continue to miss him greatly. Some things seem to get easier while other things are more difficult. My dear friend, Amy, invited me to attend a  Living Water Via de Cristo Weekend Retreat. During this weekend I was wrapped in love from the fellow women and my heart began to open to the thought that God is with me the entire time. He Loves Me...just as I am. May brought two graduation celebrations. I graduated with my Masters in Teaching and Leadership, Ben graduated from Princeton High School. During the summer months training for a half marathon became my challenge while grappling with a relationship I had to admit no longer served a purpose for either participant. Old voices in my head won out and convinced me I was not good enough to do well with the half marathon...or worthy of a relationship that is healthy. August came and while Gen enjoyed her first sleep over camp I anxiously tried to cram two classrooms full of stuff into one. On the 14th Joanne and I went up to Chicago to "check out" the race. We ended up running/walking it. 13.1 miles in 3 hours 18 minutes. WOW! What was I thinking? We were in pain. We completed it! I wonder what I could have done it I had trained in the month preceding the race???? Gen did her first horse show in September. She received 2-2nd, 1-3rd, 1-4th, 1-5th place ribbons. I was very proud of my baby girl. Kaylyn showed off her spectacular designs at her portfolio show for school. Another proud mama moment. Ben started IVCC and has done amazingly well. He has joined clubs and seems very happy. December is here and Kaylyn went through her graduation ceremony. Jane and Barbara came to celebrate as well as Mike's dad and step-mom. We had quite a time together acknowledging Kaylyn's hard work. The Christmas holiday culminated with a gather of just the kids and I on Christmas day. We had a wonderfully relaxing day. It was the first time since before Steve's passing that we relaxed and enjoyed the day without the stress of someone being sick, traveling and/or trying so hard to make things right for people there was no way of making things right...Now as I look back on the past two Christmases...I have to be me...not someone else. I can't make things right...I can't bring back dead spouses. No matter how hard I want to make things right for others. God has been my constant companion. My relationship with Him has become so important. Through my study I have gotten to the place where I can move past the hurt I have carried around with me...My Father has been with me all my life. I have not been abandoned. My Father loves me regardless of whether I am pleasing Him...regardless if I am a size 6 or 16...regardless if I smile or not...but you know what. I can smile more now that I know I am loved.  People can walk out of my life...they can let me down...God is there with me and for me all the time. I am so blessed that after 46 years of feeling on edge, waiting for the next person to leave, I can relax because God is with me always, no matter what. Amen! Even though I am broken...God is putting me back together in a beautiful mosaic that is beyond any in my imagination. I can do all things with God who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 The Mercy Me Song "Move" keeps playing in my head. Perhaps this is my song bringing me and my beautiful family into 2012! "We gotta move to a different beat..." Time to get a different drum.
http://youtu.be/MmUDDxflt6o

Another Year Almost Gone...

Here I stand on the eve of the "month" that haunts me...So many devastating changes have happened in the month of March. My mom died on the 3rd...Steve's stroke on the 13th and his death on the 18th. I even think the last time I saw my dad was in the month of March...but I don't remember that exactly. I know mom and dad were in Greece for a month prior to dad's death...

I anxiously look at this upcoming month...fearing the toll it will take on me and those loved ones in my life. It's different this year...I'm doing it without someone by my side. Mom's been gone a long time...Steve is gone...Bill is gone. I have to prove to myself that I can feel the feelings and keep on moving forward without someone holding my hand or holding me up in the face of this emotional storm. There is no safe landing spot for me this year. Reality...Reality...Reality! My faith is stronger than it ever has been. God is with me even when I feel most alone. Those alone feelings are rooted in my pushing God away. Time will tell how this month goes. Are my butterfly wings dry and strong enough to fly...we shall see.

Checking In, again...

It's hard to believe how many months have gone by since I posted last. WOW, how time does pass. Today might not be the best day to post. I am feeling down. Life seems to roll this way. The waves are hitting me. The sky is gray and threatening to rain. The kids have been in New York and Maine for their spring break. I am so thrilled they are having a great time with Steve's mom, dad, sister and her family. I miss them terribly, yet I know I needed this time to face myself without them here. They won't be living at home forever...thank God I have Gen for a few more years. I don't think living alone is going to be the best for me. I have more to add when I have time. Off to run to the next thing.
If you are reading this, please leave a response. I don't know if anyone is out there reading my ramblings...

Our Deepest Fear...
is not that we are inadequate,
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?"
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some of us,
it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.


- Marianne Williamson -

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Homecoming Dance

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Graduate School

During the first class of graduate school I found myself thinking, "oh, I can't wait to share this or that with Steve....oh, that's right Steve isn't here anymore..." Pushing the thoughts away while in class and on the way home was fairly easy. Quieting down for the night is when the emotions really hit. I have my loving family here to support me...I have Bill who has been so sweet and helpful and always encouraging...but I miss Steve so very much. I imagine myself with a foot in one canoe...the Steve canoe and my other foot is in the Bill canoe. The balancing act is more than I think I can cope with at times. Bill is very understanding...I assume he feels the same at times. We have each lost the loves of our lives...now we are here together and it is amazing...but so bitter sweet...we had to lose to be together...it just doesn't make sense...

Start of another school year

Here it is again...the second without Steve. It seems so peculiar to be starting a school year without him here. The start of school was our "New Year." It was our focus. Our signal that something NEW was happening. All the great expectations of starting over....meeting new people (students)... new schedules... new classes...

The past few months have been a time of adjustment for us...all of us.

Kaylyn started in a new direction in school. She is using her talent in art to become a designer...She seems excited and is applying herself in ways I haven't seen her do in a long long time. Even though there have been big bumps in the road with room mates and the such...she continues to move forward and grow.

Ben has traveled and ventured out in ways that has challenged him. He has had to do some thinking and growing. I am so proud of him. He is a fine young man with so much potential. He thinks he wants to be a music teacher. I can see that in him.

Gen has been processing the fact that her dad is not here full time the past 5 months. Not that she wasn't doing it before...but during this time I could see it on the outside of her.... It is such a helpless feeling to know there is no way to remove the suffering your child is going through. All there was to do was to hold her and reassure her that her daddy loves her...we all love her and that things were going to be okay. She has started to trust that others will be here for her. In the past few days I have seen a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eyes that hasn't been there in awhile.

For me the new year has started with a rush...not enough time to get everything done...scrambling to do what I can...letting go of the things that I can not. Graduate school starts on Wed. I am looking forward to that, yet nervous about how it adds more demands on my already tight schedule. I am very thankful for the people who continue to be supportive. Sad at the friends that no longer seem to be able to be in our lives...Boy what a difference a year makes. I, too have pulled back from social situations. The tone and direction don't feel right. My focus...and feelings are headed in a different direction.

Jordan Pond & Bar Harbor

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Gen's Birthday in Maine

Make a Smilebox slideshow