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Summer?

The weather has turned hot. The "house" project list is getting longer and longer. I have made some headway on it though. Tim will be building a new cellar door, fixing the hole in the driveway as well as working on two other small projects. Breaking things down and going in small forward steps is my goal. I have moved all the boxes out from under Steve's desk. Now the big question, "what do I do with the stuff that is in the boxes?" A BIGGIE Steve's baseball card collection; encompassing at least three boxes full of cards. And those were under Steve's desk...there are more up in our bedroom closet. Another biggie: Steve's books. I guess I'll have to get a hold of Steve A. and get the number of the book seller. I opened the closet where Steve's shirts are hanging, absorbed the reality that I'm going to have to do something with them...soon...closed the closet and walked away with a heavy feeling in my heart.

Spring Time

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Genevieve's First Tennis Lesson

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Two Steps Back

Moving ahead...then two steps back. Back to feeling unworthy of love. Inadequate as a parent and provider. Nothing is under control. Everything is overwhelming. Why would anyone want to be with me? I have nothing to offer. I am just a grieving person to take pity on......................................................

Ups and Downs

Gee, I hate my moods. One minute I am up and everything is great and wonderful, then one little thing; a song, a smell, a thought, a task, or a comment, can have me crashing down. There are so many things in my life to be thankful for. My kids. My family. My friends. My job and the people I work with. I have a house to live in, food to eat and feed my children. Cars that run. People who love me. But then there are the things that are missing, that I can't do anything about. Steve is gone. My partner is gone. The person who knew me better than anyone. Accepted me, loved me. Shared my history. Getting to know Bill is wonderful, but it is such hard work. Trusting God that this person is here with me now and for a reason. To let it be and not get too worked up about it. I'm so tired. I need to feel the arms of God holding me, telling me everything will be alright.

Mother's Day

Here it is Mother's Day. and I feel down. We went to church, Gen and I. Ben stayed home...in bed. Kaylyn was on her way to Starved Rock to work. and I feel down. The children's choir sang a nice song. We bid Pastor Chuck farewell. and I feel down. Ben, Gen, Bill, Daniel, and I went to Starved Rock for a lovely brunch. Kaylyn waited on us. and I still feel down. Came home, opened my cards from the kids and Bill...and I cried myself to sleep. Kaylyn called and woke me up...she had a great day. and I still feel down. I am sooooo tired of feeling down. I don't have the fog of depression...I am very sad about life right now. I don't know what my hopes and drams are. I don't know what direction I'm going in. Auto pilot is off...now I don't know what I'm doing and it's scaring me.