Two Steps Back

Moving ahead...then two steps back. Back to feeling unworthy of love. Inadequate as a parent and provider. Nothing is under control. Everything is overwhelming. Why would anyone want to be with me? I have nothing to offer. I am just a grieving person to take pity on......................................................

Ups and Downs

Gee, I hate my moods. One minute I am up and everything is great and wonderful, then one little thing; a song, a smell, a thought, a task, or a comment, can have me crashing down. There are so many things in my life to be thankful for. My kids. My family. My friends. My job and the people I work with. I have a house to live in, food to eat and feed my children. Cars that run. People who love me. But then there are the things that are missing, that I can't do anything about. Steve is gone. My partner is gone. The person who knew me better than anyone. Accepted me, loved me. Shared my history. Getting to know Bill is wonderful, but it is such hard work. Trusting God that this person is here with me now and for a reason. To let it be and not get too worked up about it. I'm so tired. I need to feel the arms of God holding me, telling me everything will be alright.

Mother's Day

Here it is Mother's Day. and I feel down. We went to church, Gen and I. Ben stayed home...in bed. Kaylyn was on her way to Starved Rock to work. and I feel down. The children's choir sang a nice song. We bid Pastor Chuck farewell. and I feel down. Ben, Gen, Bill, Daniel, and I went to Starved Rock for a lovely brunch. Kaylyn waited on us. and I still feel down. Came home, opened my cards from the kids and Bill...and I cried myself to sleep. Kaylyn called and woke me up...she had a great day. and I still feel down. I am sooooo tired of feeling down. I don't have the fog of depression...I am very sad about life right now. I don't know what my hopes and drams are. I don't know what direction I'm going in. Auto pilot is off...now I don't know what I'm doing and it's scaring me.

Is this my life?

This afternoon and evening was one of those time when my life doesn't seem like mine. Who am I? What am I doing here? Why isn't Steve here? I didn't ask for this...I don't want this life. I want my old life back...but do I? I can't make another decision by myself. I can't raise these kids by myself. God, I feel so very lost right now. Not loved, so alone. There are people all around me. Caring, wonderful people. My heart is just so cracked and open and aching and bleeding. The utility bill came today...I try to get ahead, but it seems like everything just keeps chipping away at what little strength...what little reserve I have. Tonight is a night I will cry myself to sleep. The empty spot beside me a cavern without end. These times don't come too often...but they still come and stay awhile, just a little while...so that I don't get too comfortable I suppose.

Winding Down and Burning Out

The days are warmer...the sun is shinning longer into the evening...our focus is shifting. School is not where any of our minds are. Gen is loving playing outside with her friends. She has taught herself how to ride her bike and she is riding with such confidence. It is hard to get her in to eat supper, bathe and get to bed.

Ben has lost his focus, again. He lost it in March with all the emotional processing that goes along with the anniversary of Steve's death. Now with the suicide of a classmate and just plain "checking out" of his course work he is back to "D" grades. Oh! how frustrating it is to see my intelligent son do this to himself.

As for me, there are so many other things that I would rather be doing...yet I can't seem to get focused and organized to do any of them. Last year at this time I was in a fog and was giving myself the room to just be. This year, I want to get things done, but I'm finding it very hard to get motivated. No excuses this year...GOTTA get things done. I don't have anyone else to blame it on if it doesn't get done.

We have less than 20 days of school left for this year. It will go by quickly. Then how do we slow down the lovely days of summer?????