Christmas 2008

Christmas in California...with family! I knew the holiday would be very different...duh!!!! I knew I would have that feeling of wanting to be somewhere else...just not knowing where...and I did. We cried...we laughed...we saw new things, did different things. It was good...in a weird sort of way. Other than getting ornaments in memory of Steve, I didn't do anything "meaningful" to mark the day. I'm actually feeling quite numb right now...disbelief that he is gone has crept back in...the rock is back in the pit of my stomach and the tears brim my eyes.

Christmas is over...

Ben, Genevieve and I are back home. We spent Christmas in California with my Aunt Diane, her husband Steve, my sister and her family. Kaylyn went with us, but she came back on Saturday. We had a good time for the most part. Reflections will come later. The sharp stabbing pains of missing Steve were present at times. There were numerous times I just wanted to be in my own home...with my own things...and my own agenda. I know everyone cares and they wanted to make it a "good time" for us...and they did. Just, sometimes you have to feel the feelings.

Nine Months

Steve has been gone 9 months. Where has the time gone? How have we made it this far? We are still standing. We haven't just crumbled. Oh, there have been times when I didn't think I would make it one more minute...the weight of the responsibility was dragging me under...but we/I are/am still standing. God and the amazing friends who have come into my life (Bill, Becky, Shar, John, Tony, my co-workers, and so many more)...Thank you for your strength, support, and encouragement. We wouldn't be doing as well as we are without you!

Time Marches On...

Here it is December 15. In three more days it will be nine months since Steve died. Reflecting on this...it seems like just yesterday and then again like years have passed. My stress has changed. My life has changed. I miss some things, I don't miss others. There are days when I like where my life is headed. I like the people who are around me. I like the things I am doing. Then there are days when nothing seems to be going right and I can't remember things and every step seems to take all the energy out of me. At least those bad days don't seem to be more than the good days. They don't pile up like they use to.

Christmas is hard. We did get the tree put up. We ordered special ornaments in memory of Steve. I'm not really in the mood to buy presents and get things mailed. I really wasn't very good about that before...I'm just less inspired now. I don't want to buy for buying sake. At least the kids will be taken care of and we'll be in California...and I'll want to be somewhere else...I just won't know where that place is...at least I'll be with family.

Crying More...

The tears are coming easier now...it doesn't take much. A snow covered driveway. Un-shoveled sidewalks. A song on the radio. Another place to go...without him. Another event for the kids...without him. Another drive home without a call from him. Another night...without him. My new reality!

Moving Along...

Here we are just a few short weeks 'til Christmas. My mood is taking a dip...as I suppose should be expected. Thanksgiving was a lot harder than I anticipated...I miss Steve. I miss US! I miss my family including Steve. Each new thing I encounter seems like a mountain to scale. I don't like the constant drain I feel. The weather's cold and little things seem so big. Steve never really "took care" of me...I guess I would say we shouldered things together. I wasn't appreciative of that ...I complained. Why did I complain? All those life things/couple things seems so trivial now. I can't go back...I have to go forward...I have to go through it...just like on a bear hunt.