Halloween!

Gen and I had a wonderful time Trick-Or-Treating with friends: Sierra, Daniel, Michael, and Austin. The boys were a page out of Star Wars. Sierra the cheerleader and Gen the witch were along for the ride. Gen was trying to figure out how to be Princess Leia without doing the cinnamon bun hair!

An Overwhelming Life

Work on the house has come to a standstill. The big push was made to get things ready for the Pampered Chef party and then BUNCO the next night. There is a long list of things that still need to be completed...overhead lights in the kitchen and dining room and trim are the two that stand out that I am dependent on others to do. I need to get the garage cleared out so I can get the cars back in before the really bad weather hits. The downstairs furnace has been repaired and I still have a toilet upstairs that needs to be worked on...does it ever stop?

My calendar seems to be on overdrive and I'm shutting down. There are small miracles, thus cancellations, that occur to make things more manageable, yet I'm finding the continued internal stress wearing on me. Something has to give...I have to take care of myself and I'm not sure what I can eliminate. Graduate school seems to be the obvious answer...but is that giving up on the potential "me" and more financial security for my family? Why am I looking at graduate school as being the obvious answer? There's a question for several sessions with my counselor!

The tears are flowing today...a good thing! Gen is in Indiana with friends. Ben is upstairs sleeping...still (it's 11:16.) Kaylyn is at work and has plans for tonight to go to a concert with friends. Part of me just want to get lost...but the sad thing is I don't know where I am, so the question would be...am I not already lost?

Almost Done

Because someone won't come over and see for herself what the house looks like...here's the pictures.

Decontruction

So, here it is Sunday night at 8:44 and my house is torn apart. The fridge is in the office. The stove is on the screened porch. The bathroom sink and soon the toilet will be on the patio. It's been a looooong day. John has worked hard. Ben discovered a new toy! He likes to remove the carpet tack with the crow bar. I can't wait to see the new floors! I'm ready for my house to be put back together!!!! It's been a long time and I'm more than ready.

Exposure!

Here it is Sunday again and I'm feeling a little more exposed. My wonderful elves were at it again today. More trees/shrubs have been cut down exposing more of the house and dare I say it...more of me. It's so amazing the symbolic nature of things. All of the change feels good...yet it is a change and therefore emotional reactions come with the territory.

Moving in the right direction...

Things are looking up! Sunday afternoon I came home to the shock of finding all the front shrubs cut down exposing all the pealing paint on our dilapidated front porch. I have worked through (continue to work through) the symbolic meaning of the exposure. The paint has now been scrapped. Paint has been applied. It's looking so much more cared for...loved and nurtured.

The hardwood floors are ordered and will be installed the first week of October. The kitchen is looking great with the new paint. I'm getting excited for everything to be done and put into place. I'm ready for a calm relaxing home.

I have my id and pin number for graduate school. I'll get registered tomorrow.

Things are going in the right directions...in more ways than one. It feels GOOD!

One step forward...

Just when I think things are going well, then all the self-doubt and fear creeps back in. All the questions came flooding back today...Why do I deserve a good life? Why should someone love me? Do I even deserve to be loved? My focus should be directed toward my being so blessed with caring friends. Loving children and a family that supports me...