The year is drawing to a close. Jane and Michael have arrived to end 2011 and ring in 2012 with us. It is bitter sweet to have them here. Steve should be here with them, for them. I feel lacking in anything I have to give them. I can't give them their son back...as much as I would give everything I have to give...I am just not able. No one is.
It's been a week since the Bill door has closed. Oh how many pieces my heart is in. There is no way to comprehend how many pieces. How can someone who says they care about me treat me in such a way? I thought he was different...caring...human. Prayer continues to be my focus. Trust God and his plan...don't rely on my own understanding. So many people have loved on me and supported me. I am so very blessed...and my deepening relationship with God is helping me greatly. I will march forth into 2012 with the mindset that God will do great things this year. 2011 wasn't bad...three graduations, horse show, half marathon...the personal drain that I have experienced has been the downside. But really...I ended my relationship with Bill...or should I say he ended it with me...but I have Amy, Lisa, Cindy, Jennifer, Gail and so many other wonderful woman in my life...My Sister's in God are here with me...arms locked in battle mode when we need it. Tammy is there to support. And I have support to offer these wonderful women. 2011 has been an awesome year. I can't loose sight of that. May God continue to bless my family and friends as the days tick down and we wind up for the new year.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I am wearing down. I keep reading my devotions and my Bible. I am trying to be positive. Saying prayers and trying to stay positive. Singing songs and focusing on His love for me. Trying to understand something that there isn't much understanding in it. I loved. It's over. I have to put my heart back together again and move on. Why? Why can't I just be loved and love another and move on? Why does it have to hurt? Why!?! Why!?! Why!?!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The days of 2011 are counting down. So many things have happened this past year.
My verse for 2011: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
January came with a "taking a step back" in a relationship I valued and invested my heart into deeply. In March we acknowledged Steve's 3rd Angel Anniversary. We continue to miss him greatly. Some things seem to get easier while other things are more difficult. My dear friend, Amy, invited me to attend a Living Water Via de Cristo Weekend Retreat. During this weekend I was wrapped in love from the fellow women and my heart began to open to the thought that God is with me the entire time. He Loves Me...just as I am. May brought two graduation celebrations. I graduated with my Masters in Teaching and Leadership, Ben graduated from Princeton High School. During the summer months training for a half marathon became my challenge while grappling with a relationship I had to admit no longer served a purpose for either participant. Old voices in my head won out and convinced me I was not good enough to do well with the half marathon...or worthy of a relationship that is healthy. August came and while Gen enjoyed her first sleep over camp I anxiously tried to cram two classrooms full of stuff into one. On the 14th Joanne and I went up to Chicago to "check out" the race. We ended up running/walking it. 13.1 miles in 3 hours 18 minutes. WOW! What was I thinking? We were in pain. We completed it! I wonder what I could have done it I had trained in the month preceding the race???? Gen did her first horse show in September. She received 2-2nd, 1-3rd, 1-4th, 1-5th place ribbons. I was very proud of my baby girl. Kaylyn showed off her spectacular designs at her portfolio show for school. Another proud mama moment. Ben started IVCC and has done amazingly well. He has joined clubs and seems very happy. December is here and Kaylyn went through her graduation ceremony. Jane and Barbara came to celebrate as well as Mike's dad and step-mom. We had quite a time together acknowledging Kaylyn's hard work. The Christmas holiday culminated with a gather of just the kids and I on Christmas day. We had a wonderfully relaxing day. It was the first time since before Steve's passing that we relaxed and enjoyed the day without the stress of someone being sick, traveling and/or trying so hard to make things right for people there was no way of making things right...Now as I look back on the past two Christmases...I have to be me...not someone else. I can't make things right...I can't bring back dead spouses. No matter how hard I want to make things right for others. God has been my constant companion. My relationship with Him has become so important. Through my study I have gotten to the place where I can move past the hurt I have carried around with me...My Father has been with me all my life. I have not been abandoned. My Father loves me regardless of whether I am pleasing Him...regardless if I am a size 6 or 16...regardless if I smile or not...but you know what. I can smile more now that I know I am loved. People can walk out of my life...they can let me down...God is there with me and for me all the time. I am so blessed that after 46 years of feeling on edge, waiting for the next person to leave, I can relax because God is with me always, no matter what. Amen! Even though I am broken...God is putting me back together in a beautiful mosaic that is beyond any in my imagination. I can do all things with God who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 The Mercy Me Song "Move" keeps playing in my head. Perhaps this is my song bringing me and my beautiful family into 2012! "We gotta move to a different beat..." Time to get a different drum.
http://youtu.be/MmUDDxflt6o
My verse for 2011: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
January came with a "taking a step back" in a relationship I valued and invested my heart into deeply. In March we acknowledged Steve's 3rd Angel Anniversary. We continue to miss him greatly. Some things seem to get easier while other things are more difficult. My dear friend, Amy, invited me to attend a Living Water Via de Cristo Weekend Retreat. During this weekend I was wrapped in love from the fellow women and my heart began to open to the thought that God is with me the entire time. He Loves Me...just as I am. May brought two graduation celebrations. I graduated with my Masters in Teaching and Leadership, Ben graduated from Princeton High School. During the summer months training for a half marathon became my challenge while grappling with a relationship I had to admit no longer served a purpose for either participant. Old voices in my head won out and convinced me I was not good enough to do well with the half marathon...or worthy of a relationship that is healthy. August came and while Gen enjoyed her first sleep over camp I anxiously tried to cram two classrooms full of stuff into one. On the 14th Joanne and I went up to Chicago to "check out" the race. We ended up running/walking it. 13.1 miles in 3 hours 18 minutes. WOW! What was I thinking? We were in pain. We completed it! I wonder what I could have done it I had trained in the month preceding the race???? Gen did her first horse show in September. She received 2-2nd, 1-3rd, 1-4th, 1-5th place ribbons. I was very proud of my baby girl. Kaylyn showed off her spectacular designs at her portfolio show for school. Another proud mama moment. Ben started IVCC and has done amazingly well. He has joined clubs and seems very happy. December is here and Kaylyn went through her graduation ceremony. Jane and Barbara came to celebrate as well as Mike's dad and step-mom. We had quite a time together acknowledging Kaylyn's hard work. The Christmas holiday culminated with a gather of just the kids and I on Christmas day. We had a wonderfully relaxing day. It was the first time since before Steve's passing that we relaxed and enjoyed the day without the stress of someone being sick, traveling and/or trying so hard to make things right for people there was no way of making things right...Now as I look back on the past two Christmases...I have to be me...not someone else. I can't make things right...I can't bring back dead spouses. No matter how hard I want to make things right for others. God has been my constant companion. My relationship with Him has become so important. Through my study I have gotten to the place where I can move past the hurt I have carried around with me...My Father has been with me all my life. I have not been abandoned. My Father loves me regardless of whether I am pleasing Him...regardless if I am a size 6 or 16...regardless if I smile or not...but you know what. I can smile more now that I know I am loved. People can walk out of my life...they can let me down...God is there with me and for me all the time. I am so blessed that after 46 years of feeling on edge, waiting for the next person to leave, I can relax because God is with me always, no matter what. Amen! Even though I am broken...God is putting me back together in a beautiful mosaic that is beyond any in my imagination. I can do all things with God who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 The Mercy Me Song "Move" keeps playing in my head. Perhaps this is my song bringing me and my beautiful family into 2012! "We gotta move to a different beat..." Time to get a different drum.
http://youtu.be/MmUDDxflt6o
Friday, February 25, 2011
Another Year Almost Gone...
Here I stand on the eve of the "month" that haunts me...So many devastating changes have happened in the month of March. My mom died on the 3rd...Steve's stroke on the 13th and his death on the 18th. I even think the last time I saw my dad was in the month of March...but I don't remember that exactly. I know mom and dad were in Greece for a month prior to dad's death...
I anxiously look at this upcoming month...fearing the toll it will take on me and those loved ones in my life. It's different this year...I'm doing it without someone by my side. Mom's been gone a long time...Steve is gone...Bill is gone. I have to prove to myself that I can feel the feelings and keep on moving forward without someone holding my hand or holding me up in the face of this emotional storm. There is no safe landing spot for me this year. Reality...Reality...Reality! My faith is stronger than it ever has been. God is with me even when I feel most alone. Those alone feelings are rooted in my pushing God away. Time will tell how this month goes. Are my butterfly wings dry and strong enough to fly...we shall see.
I anxiously look at this upcoming month...fearing the toll it will take on me and those loved ones in my life. It's different this year...I'm doing it without someone by my side. Mom's been gone a long time...Steve is gone...Bill is gone. I have to prove to myself that I can feel the feelings and keep on moving forward without someone holding my hand or holding me up in the face of this emotional storm. There is no safe landing spot for me this year. Reality...Reality...Reality! My faith is stronger than it ever has been. God is with me even when I feel most alone. Those alone feelings are rooted in my pushing God away. Time will tell how this month goes. Are my butterfly wings dry and strong enough to fly...we shall see.
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