Saturday, August 29, 2009
Graduate School
During the first class of graduate school I found myself thinking, "oh, I can't wait to share this or that with Steve....oh, that's right Steve isn't here anymore..." Pushing the thoughts away while in class and on the way home was fairly easy. Quieting down for the night is when the emotions really hit. I have my loving family here to support me...I have Bill who has been so sweet and helpful and always encouraging...but I miss Steve so very much. I imagine myself with a foot in one canoe...the Steve canoe and my other foot is in the Bill canoe. The balancing act is more than I think I can cope with at times. Bill is very understanding...I assume he feels the same at times. We have each lost the loves of our lives...now we are here together and it is amazing...but so bitter sweet...we had to lose to be together...it just doesn't make sense...
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Start of another school year
Here it is again...the second without Steve. It seems so peculiar to be starting a school year without him here. The start of school was our "New Year." It was our focus. Our signal that something NEW was happening. All the great expectations of starting over....meeting new people (students)... new schedules... new classes...
The past few months have been a time of adjustment for us...all of us.
Kaylyn started in a new direction in school. She is using her talent in art to become a designer...She seems excited and is applying herself in ways I haven't seen her do in a long long time. Even though there have been big bumps in the road with room mates and the such...she continues to move forward and grow.
Ben has traveled and ventured out in ways that has challenged him. He has had to do some thinking and growing. I am so proud of him. He is a fine young man with so much potential. He thinks he wants to be a music teacher. I can see that in him.
Gen has been processing the fact that her dad is not here full time the past 5 months. Not that she wasn't doing it before...but during this time I could see it on the outside of her.... It is such a helpless feeling to know there is no way to remove the suffering your child is going through. All there was to do was to hold her and reassure her that her daddy loves her...we all love her and that things were going to be okay. She has started to trust that others will be here for her. In the past few days I have seen a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eyes that hasn't been there in awhile.
For me the new year has started with a rush...not enough time to get everything done...scrambling to do what I can...letting go of the things that I can not. Graduate school starts on Wed. I am looking forward to that, yet nervous about how it adds more demands on my already tight schedule. I am very thankful for the people who continue to be supportive. Sad at the friends that no longer seem to be able to be in our lives...Boy what a difference a year makes. I, too have pulled back from social situations. The tone and direction don't feel right. My focus...and feelings are headed in a different direction.
The past few months have been a time of adjustment for us...all of us.
Kaylyn started in a new direction in school. She is using her talent in art to become a designer...She seems excited and is applying herself in ways I haven't seen her do in a long long time. Even though there have been big bumps in the road with room mates and the such...she continues to move forward and grow.
Ben has traveled and ventured out in ways that has challenged him. He has had to do some thinking and growing. I am so proud of him. He is a fine young man with so much potential. He thinks he wants to be a music teacher. I can see that in him.
Gen has been processing the fact that her dad is not here full time the past 5 months. Not that she wasn't doing it before...but during this time I could see it on the outside of her.... It is such a helpless feeling to know there is no way to remove the suffering your child is going through. All there was to do was to hold her and reassure her that her daddy loves her...we all love her and that things were going to be okay. She has started to trust that others will be here for her. In the past few days I have seen a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eyes that hasn't been there in awhile.
For me the new year has started with a rush...not enough time to get everything done...scrambling to do what I can...letting go of the things that I can not. Graduate school starts on Wed. I am looking forward to that, yet nervous about how it adds more demands on my already tight schedule. I am very thankful for the people who continue to be supportive. Sad at the friends that no longer seem to be able to be in our lives...Boy what a difference a year makes. I, too have pulled back from social situations. The tone and direction don't feel right. My focus...and feelings are headed in a different direction.
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